One word.

If you could sum up 2013 with one word, what would it be? What word to do you want to enter 2014 with?

2013's word would be whirlwind. 

Honestly, I don't know where the year went.

We feel like we spent most the year driving and catching up.

We had bought our first house in mid-2012

and since it was about 20 miles ,

and anywhere from a 20 minute to a 2 hour commute further,

we drove a LOT.

We had to constantly coordinate schedules

and three days of the week

Miss B, BBoy and I would be away from the house for 6+ hours

It was hard to find balance

and really enjoy what was in front of us.

I spent most days packing bags.

coordinating carpools,

and driving home late at night.

It was hectic.

And I just lost myself.

I mean, really, lost myself.

And then in the last 3 months of the year,

 Myka started his own business,

we adopted some cats,

we took a vacation 

and decided to sell our house for the greater good of our family.

I mean 2013 was crazy.

Which leads me to what I want to do in 2014...

ENJOY,

I want to get back to my happy place.

I want to laugh and play with my kids in our home,

without worrying about our schedules and traffic.

I want to soak in every little thing
the giggles and my kid's hopes and dreams
I want to ENJOY.

2014 is for enjoying.
Cheers.

Stepping away from the hate and the facades

It's funny how hate can consume you.

It's like a wildfire that spreads at an intense speed

And I've come to realize recently

that along with hate comes blame.

The inability to take responsibility for our actions;

placing all the blame on others.

Making ourselves be the victim

Because, why in the world would it be our fault?

And many of us, believe the BS

Because people build up walls and a facade for everyone to see

And why would anyone lie about such and such?

And how could anyone ever treat someone so perfectly molded

so badly?

I'm tired of the blame and the hate

and the "Woe to me..."

I'm tired of the competitions.

And the expectations

The sob stories

and the games.

There's something more honorable about someone who is willing to take the blame, 

recognize their wrongdoings

apologize

and at least attempt to do better.

Because the cycle of hate and guilt and sob stories is like a poison.

And in the end, the only victim is yourself.

Losing my voice

I don't know when or how

But somewhere along the way

I've lost my voice.

 

This blog used to be a fun outlet for me to get my crazy creative thoughts out.

I used it to document my pregnancy and mommy journeys.

 

But somewhere I lost my passion for writing.

The thoughts are still there

Like open drafts in my head.

Always flowing.

But formulating them to words on this blog are impossible.

 

It's hard to be open, honest and raw and yet continuously judged and stalked.

I can't seem to use my space without it becoming about someone else

And their judgment for not understanding what MY choices are.

It's a never ending battle.

 

But I'm tired of being muted

I'm tired of being afraid of who reads what

It's time to find my voice again.

 

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ME

I am struggling.

Struggling a lot

I'm trying.

Every day

Every minute

Every second

I try and I try.

And I just feel like I'm sinking.

I can't be everyone's life preserver.

I can't keep everyone afloat anymore.

I can't sit here arguing to be heard.

Because I...am drowning

Gasping for air...drowning.

I need a breath.

I need a moment of clarity.

I need a second to remember ME

And that I can't fix everyone's problems

I can't figure out the unanswerable questions and justify or judge others actions.

I need to remember and focus on me.

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Thankful

It feels so cliche to write a post about it. But as someone who struggles daily with the anxiety and depression roller coaster, I just feel grateful. And Thanksgiving seems to amplify that this year.

I'm grateful for Myka who taught me how to love and be loved and to always be myself.

I'm grateful for my Bs. Who taught me joy, patience and insanity. All rolled in one.

I'm grateful for my family, especially my mom, brother, gramma and poppy. Who taught and continue to teach me about who I am and where I come from.

I am grateful for my dear friends. The ones who have become family and sisters. The ones who have taught me that it's ok to be imperfect, to fall and that they will always be there.

I'm grateful for my health. After Bryson's birth and recovery (which I promise I will finish blogging one day), I didn't know if my body would ever bounce back to my "normal." Not only did it test me physically but all my limits were tested emotionally and mentally as well. And I'm lucky that my dark moments didn't stay like they did during that time.

I'm thankful for our beautiful home. A roof over our head. Food on our table. A well paying steady income. The opportunity to stay at home with my loves.

I'm just so thankful. Blessed. Happy. And thankful.

We may not have it all, but together we have everything.

Happy Thanksgiving.

From our home to yours.

 

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