thoughts on life.

for quite some time, i've had a laissez-faire attitude on life. my thoughts are that life is made up of individual choices that are all apart of a much bigger, incomprehensible master plan. people make their choices and should be forced to deal with their consequences, whether that be now, later or in another life. among my many "life thoughts," i have never been one to dwell on death. my thoughts of death were (and still are) always positive and i try to look at it in the light that everyone is placed here on Earth for a purpose, whatever that may be, and some souls are done with their work earlier than others. all in all, i try and look at life in general in the most positive way possible, because one's life should be celebrated, good should always be done and will always prevail and ultimately, life is a blessing with the possibility of a wonderful afterlife ahead.

however, over the past few months, i have felt a shift in my thoughts and find myself fearing mortality more than ever before. it has grown from the depths of within with each movement and nudge i have felt and has grown stronger each day. i now understand that life is not only about me, but ultimately, my husband and unborn daughter as well. and as miraculously beautiful as that is, i have to admit, it scares me a bit as well. and perhaps i should clarify that the shift isn't so much of a "fear" of death as much as a more of a wanting to live. i recently read an interview done with nicole kidman about her fears of mortality and i quickly identified with her. though the age gap between nicole kidman and i is over 15 years, i felt as though i identified with her as a woman, wife and mother, which was so odd to me as i have never really, really contemplated life and death or felt such a compelling love and desire to live. i find myself constantly wanting and striving to be a better person, wife, couple and family and thinking about how much my life and my decisions (past, present and future) will affect this life growing inside me. i must say, it terrifies me at times and other times it makes me feel like i have an opportunity to spread so much happiness, love and overall GOOD into the world through this one child. i'm not sure where this is going or if it has any point, other than just wanting to express my overall joys/feeling on life and impending motherhood. i guess i never would have imagined being in this position, with these thoughts, months or years ago. but life, as always, is an amazing, life-long learning journey.