Hi Mama

It's been a long time coming so it really was no surprise.

 I take a lot on my plate.
I'm a perfectionist.

Because of this, I don't delegate my to-dos because I like to be in control of them. 

I usually have a clear cut simple way I want things done. If it doesn't happen like that I freak. 

I'm meticulous about EVERY little detail. 

I don't like to let people down. 

I accommodate everyone I can and usually give more than I can handle {and many times, afford} 

I overbook myself and as an end result, stress myself out.

I worry about everyone and everything

I replay scenarios over and over in my mind.

I constantly work through my head how to organize and what to do with the house,

without every being able to put plans into actions. 

I get anxiety at one wrong word someone may say to me.

Or anxiety whenever I get into my car to drive.

Or anxiety when I have too much on my plate.

Hell, I have anxiety now writing this.

I deal in my own ways.

Crying.

Screaming.

sometimes drinking.

Whatever helps me get through it all.

I have a bubble that I don't like invaded.
I value those that I call friends.
I hate being let down and/or lied to.
Because of the above stated, I hate being put on the spot and lying.

I have a hard time finishing projects because I'm thinking of my next project.

I obviously get overwhelmed easily....

if you couldn't tell :/

I suffer from depression and anxiety and even though it's not diagnosed...I'm pretty sure some OCD too.

And this past weekend, I reached my breaking point.
I've felt it boiling up to a head the past month or so.
I kept telling M, "I think I'm going to have a mental breakdown."
"I think you might need me to take me to the mental hospital."
"I am getting bad."
But even though I said it.
I refused to believe it.

And on Saturday,
I started snapping at M
and ended up sitting there
in the car
with a blank black mind
and cried in the car,
sitting in my garage
for two and a half hours.
Not just a little crying.
BAWLING.

In fact I remember
sitting here
having an outer body experience,
looking at myself,
thinking
"Is this what you have become?", "What in the world is wrong with you Heather?"
Screaming at myself
"SNAP OUT OF IT!!!"
And I couldn't.
I seriously thought that was the end.
Like the world was closing in on me.
Mentally
I just was not all there.

I cried myself into oblivion.
M sat there and wiped away tears
I barely even recognized he was there.
Was this going to be my life from now on?
Insanity?

I cried. I weeped. I heaved.
I was in my own personal hell.
My demons eating me alive.
"I'm having a breakdown"
I whispered softly to M.
He nodded and held my hand.
"I don't know what to do"
he confessed.
I nodded.
I didn't either.

And in a simple second
time stopped.
Two simple words changes everything.

"Hi Mama"
my sweet baby girl sang
as she carefully held onto the door,
 lowered herself down the stairs and came into the garage.

She moved her face into my view
smiling a bright smile
with chubby cheeks
and eyes full of love and wonder.

"Hi Mama"
she sang again as she climbed into the car and grabbed my hand.
She pushed my hair away and looked at my face smiling
Then reached down and took a tissue and wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Mama eye. Mama nose"
she said as she gently wiped my eyes and nose
And there I was
stunned in a bath of my tears
stiffling giggles.

How did my 23.5 month old babygirl know?
How did she know exactly what I needed?
How did she know how to snap me out of it?
How did the roles reverse between us?
Her becoming the little caretaker and me needing the caring for.

What kind of mother am I and what kind of example am I setting?

How did I become this?

She smiled.
So pure and innocent.
"Hi Mama"

Hi baby. Mama's back.
Thanks for saving her.
Over and over again.