One Month

Today is exactly one month.

31 days.

Thirty one days.

Where has the time gone?

My mom wrote this incredible blog that sums up how all of us are feeling. And it's so true. Everything is slowing down and slowly we are realizing that what we thought was a nightmare, is truly reality.

It's hard.

Poppy would take 3-5 week trips every couple months to Hawaii

And though those trips slowed in the last year of his life,

it's the norm for him to be gone.

We are used to that.

With frequent phone calls here and there.

But he was never gone this long.

And for the first few weeks, we'd pull up to his house and B would yell out,

"Poppy and Gammy and Mimi and BB hoooowse!"

And now, she only screams

"Gammy, Mimi and BB hooooowse!"

And that makes me sad.

And everytime we sit at the table,

I wait for him to come out

the way he would before. 

Greeting us

Wanting to feed B goodies.

Telling us we should get going soon.

I just miss him.

I told M one night

that it's sad.

Life goes on.

He died.

And it doesn't stop.

People continue on.

Dramas continue.

People forget.

And I'm not ready to do that.

I am not ready.

I selfishly want him here.

With us.

I just want to hear his voice.

Hear his voice one more time.

I just want to give him a hug.

Touch his skin.

I can still remember the way he smelled

and the way his skin felt.

I just want him here.

M keeps telling me this normal.

That when he lost his cousin in Iraq

this is how he felt for months.

That it's normal

to get so incredibly pissed off when people say

"He's in a better place"

or to cry when wondering

"What if?"

or to hopefully await the return

that isn't ever going to come.

It's normal. 

But nothing about this feels normal.

So we continue on.

Push forward.

Love forever.

Miss constantly.

And rely on each other for hope,

support,

and love.

Vegas baby!

My best friend (KGD) is getting married.

Getting married.

In 21 days.

Holy crap.

And this weekend is her bachelorette party.

I can't believe her wedding is almost here...I want to cry thinking about it.

I'm gonna be a mess the day of.

I met her when I was fourteen. FOURTEEN. A silly, boy-crazy incoming freshman. Bonded by lots of laughs, a passion for basketball, a love for being Capricorns, and a lots of interest in Cosmo. And boys.

I wish I had the picture of us from high school scanned into my computer. We look like babies.

She's the most amazing friend I've ever had and I love her so much. She ALWAYS knows without fail when I need a pick-me-up email, text or phone call. And she always knows exactly what to say. We can go days, months and even years without talking. And we'll just pick up right from where we left off. No explanations needed. It's always like we were just hanging out. That kind of friendship is so special.

And this weekend we are headed to Las Vegas. For lots of partying, a pole dancing class, and lots of other fun goodies. I can't wait. It's gonna be so much fun. And I need the break.

YAY for one of her last weekends as a single lady!

1AM Pillow Talk

Pillow talk...
Hehehehehehe. He. Hehe. He. Hehehehe. He. *wipes eyes*
It's 1A and I am still up.
I'm becoming delusional.

I'm gonna pay for this tomorrow, that's for sure.

Errr, later today. :/

Did I mention recently that I went back to school?

I can't remember if I mentioned it... 

I think I did 

but then life overcame 

crashed,

practically drowned me

and now

I'm catching up with school.

And 4 things I am currently grateful for since I went back to school:

1) Professors who are sympathetic and give you extensions when needed.

I tried, desperately, to keep up with my English class the first few weeks. All while my Poppy was in the hospital. And the week he passed away, I still did my work. I forced myself to push through. I was already behind in my readings. But I could keep up with the assignments, I told myself. Turns out, the next two weeks, were so incredibly slammed with the funeral planning and entertaining of family. There was no way I would get week 4 done. So I emailed my professor and explained the situation, asking for an extension for Week 4. And bless her heart, she gave me not only an extension for week 4 but week 5 as well. I didn't know it then, but that extension for week 5 was definitely needed as well. I am so grateful to her. And I finally finished both weeks tonight. Only a week and a half late for week 4 too. Not too bad.

2) Caffeine

I'm trying to give up soda. I can't for the life of me remember if I succeeded today (or I guess yesterday now?) or not. But yea. I'm trying. What I so cleverly left out of the giving up category, was coffee and tea. And I have been making sure I get my share of both. Which may be the reason why I was up til FOUR in the morning last night, tossing and turning. And it may be why I am up right now. I need to look into that.

3) An easy toddler

She drives me nuts sometimes, but I am SO lucky. This child can keep herself entertained for hours if I asked her to. And will so nicely just lie on the floor and color while I try and catch up with bills, schoolwork and life. She is content with dancing around the house, talks all the time about her Poppy and loves visits from her Mimi and Gammy. Life is so simple for her. All she wants is her candy when she potties in the toilet and to laugh and giggle with mommy right next to her. I love it.

4) My Kindle

My wonderful M surprised me with a beautiful Kindle for Valentine's Day this year. And I never realized how convenient it really is.  Especially when you are playing catch up on your reading for your English class. Holy geez.

And with that, I fear if I keep blogging, I will incriminate myself with this level of tiredness.

So off to try and read for SOC class and get this proposal for my English Research Paper done. Research Paper, you ask? Yes, research paper. I'm back in college.

Lemonade

photo courtesy of Martha Stewart

So my gramma has this beautiful lemon tree. It is seriously perfect. And it has tons and tons of lemons.

I love it.

But the problem with a very fruitful lemon tree is ALL the lemons it produces and keeping it up with it.

So in late January, she dropped off a big bag of lemons of 10-12 lemons.

Sounds great right?

And it was. And the lemons are SO tasty.

But the problem with 10-12 lemons, is trying to use them all!!

I felt like I was drowning in lemons.

So I decided it was time to figure out what to do with the lemons. And that's when i figured it out...LEMONADE!

So I googled a recipe and got to work. I was a little scared since B and I are AVID Simply Lemonade drinkers. But this lived up to yummy goodness. And who knew it would be so easy??

So here we go:

Perfect Lemonade Recipe

Makes: 6 servings

Ingredients:

-1 cup sugar (can reduce to 3/4 cup)

-1 cup water (for the simple syrup)

-1 cup lemon juice

-3 to 4 cups cold water (to dilute)

Directions:

The recipe says the secret to the lemonade is to start by making the sugar syrup. Make simple syrup by heating sugar and water in a small saucepan until the sugar is dissolved completely. While sugar is dissolving, use a juicer to extract the juice from 4 to 6 lemons, enough enough for one cup of juice. Add the juice and the sugar water to a pitcher. Add 3 to 4 cups of cold water, more or less to the desired strength. Refrigerate 30 to 40 minutes. If lemonade is a little sweet for your taste, add a little more straight lemons. Serve with ice, slice lemons.

Mama Heada Thoughts:

So here's how we roll...I had ten lemons and it gave me 1 1/2 cup of lemon juice. So I made 1 1/2 batches of the lemonade I did 1 1/4 cup of sugar for the simple syrup. And in the end added 5 cups of cold water. And you know what? It was YUMMY. M thought it was sweet but he's not much of a lemon person. I usually drink it straight. But have also drank it watered down. Both were yummy. My juicer did a great job and I loved the lemonade, but I felt like the peel gave the lemonade a kick. So I might leave that out next time too. I also gave a very watered down version to Little Miss B. And oh my gawsh. She was hooked. But that girl would eat lemons every day if I let her.

This is gonna be great in the summer time. I can't wait. I already got a new bag from Gramma to make more. YUM-MY!

Crafty Mama: Valentine's Day Edition

I'm not one to get overly excited about holidays. With the exception of Christmas, I'm not into decorating for all holidays yet. Mainly because my house is so cluttered and messy as it is and I just don't have the room. In a perfect world I would decorate and have lots of DIY projects and crafts and goodies. But let's face it, the mountain in my hall (i.e, our laundry) is a bit higher on my list of things to do. 

None the less, last week, I got the urge to craft. Which was perfect since my Crafty Mommies Valentine Card was due. As was my Christmas card that I never did in December. Yea, I know...it's February. Oops.

So I pulled out my scrapbook bin and got to work. I had an idea of what I wanted and decided to just go with it. If it worked, it worked. If not, then so be it. I just needed an hour or so of nothing but crafting.

But of course, not without a little interrupting from this little one:

What a cutie.

Anyways the end result?

The Valentine Day Cards were simple. I originally planned for them to be a cute black and white damask, instead of the zebra, BUT...you see that cutie up there? Yea, she decided to spill her Pi-ta (Princess) water ALL over it. No bueno for cards. So, I hit up my local Tall Mouse (which is currently liquidating it's store) and found this zebra print and was sold.

I cut the paper into 3 x 5 index style cards I think. Or was it 4 x 6? I don't really remember. I'm not the hugest fan of flat, one-sided cards but I figured it would work and ended up being something that I thought looked perfect. Then I sized the red cardstock to fit perfectly inside the zebra cardstock, so that you could see the print. It's probably about 1/2 in on all 4 sides. The embellishment was tricky. I couldn't decide between a set of three jewels in a row, three hearts in a row, or a combination of jewels and hearts. 

So finally I decided simplicity would work best here. And went with a simple Martha Stewart glitter heart sticker in silver. It came out perfect.

And (although not Valentine's Day appropriate) the Christmas card I was catching up on? Super easy as well!

I found some super cute holiday cards on sale the day after Christmas for a couple dollars and nabbed them up with the purpose to cut up and repurpose. I originally intended to use red or blue cardstock, but it just didn't blend the way I envisioned it. So, I went with white. Again, I cut out a simple 4x6 (I think?) index style card and then cut up my holiday cards. The three trees are from the front of the card and the penguin adorned the back of the original card. I put it together and voila! EASY!

Took me less than an hour and a half, so super easy! Cost me less than $10 for both sets, so super cheap! And overall, super cute! Win for all!

PS - And apologies about all the watermarks! Been having some shady visitors up in here. And I don't want photos of my baby or crafts, being claimed by anyone else!

Valentine's Day Cards

So leading up to Valentine's Day I couldn't decide if I was gonna have Miss B send out Valentine's Day cards or not. I mean, she's two. Would she really understand? So I neglected to sign her up for our mommy's group valentine exchange and opted out of the party as well. I just didn't want more crap, especially when SHE doesn't really understand the full meaning of it.

But as the day got closer, I started feeling more and more guilty. And started thinking of people that SHE could send Valentine's too without worrying about getting Valentine's back. So I made a list and started brainstorming.

Should I have her color something?

Should I cut out some hearts and have her paste them on a piece of paper?

Should I send a photo?

The idea slowly started formulating.

I definitely wanted to go the '"Bee" Mine' route

Especially since her nickname is B.

And wouldn't it be cute with little bees all over the place, to tie in with the Bee Mine?

Definitely a small card, nothing extreme.

And maybe a picture of her?

Or a drawing, maybe?

The wheels were definitely turning in my head.

And here's the final product:

I started out by cutting a small 4x6 card out of pink cardstock. That would be the base of the card. Then I printed on white cardstock "Bee Mine, Happy Valentine's Day" using one of the Pea fonts over at Kevin & Amanda. Then I was starting to feel like the valentine was becoming more of MY thing than Little Miss B's. So I took out our yellow Melissa and Doug fingerpaints and taught B how to thumbprint all over the card. She had a blast and took inking seriously. But keep in mind, she's two, so sometimes...she got a little carried away, thought she was fingerpainting and we ended up with little Bees that were like three inches long. It was hilarious. Once the bees were dried, I drew on their wings, eyes, and stripes, wrote in the year and attached a simple Martha Stewart sticker. The timing was perfect since B only had the time span to do her thumbprinting before wanting to watch another Yo Gabba Gabba episode. I swear, Yo Gabba Gabba is her crack. It's scary how well I know all those songs.

Once that was done, I wondered what I was going to do on the back. I loved the way the bees turned out, but it was lacking her name. Even though most people know we call her Little Miss B, some people who aren't around a lot (i.e. my MIL and my dad) aren't as familiar, so how was I going to tie in the "Little Miss B" nickname and the bees?? Coloring didn't seem to fit in. And her writing her name wouldn't really be that great, especially since it's really just me guiding her writing.

That's when it hit me, a photo would be awesome. Especially for those that we were mailing off to people we don't see often. Perfect! 

So I picked four different photos and printed 12 for the 12 cards I had made. By the way, on a side note, did you know that CVS Photo, has a cool app for your iPhone that lets you send your iPhone photos straight to CVS for printing? Super handy when you have millions of pictures like myself... Anyways, I had them printed 4x6 but chose photos I could easily trim. I trimmed them down, attached the photo and quickly jotted down "Miss B says..." Then I let them sit under a stack of heavy books for the night to make sure everything laid flat and stayed glued and the next day, I stuffed, sealed and sent them out. 

Altogether the 12 cards took less than two hours to do everything (that's including the thumbprinting). And completed, the cards cost less than $10. I used 2 pieces of pink cardstock (valued at about a $1), the 12 photos cost me less than $3 to print, I used 2 pieces of white cardstock to print the saying, though I realized after I could have easily fit it all on 1 page (valued at about $1) and the Martha Stewart sticker sheets cost about $3 at Michaels for two sheets and approx 40+ stickers.

It definitely was a cute DIY Valentine and a fun mommy and me craft that is easy enough for anyone!

Potato Ham Soup

Late December/Early January was cold. Infact, I'd go on a limb and say freezing. I mean Southern California having 40 degree weather? We were bundled up in scarfs, coats, sweats and lots of socks. It was definitely different, but a nice change. And each day it was cold, I couldn't help but feel like a warm cup of tea or hot chocolate and/or a nice warm bowl of soup. And with a leftover ham hock and tons of ham after Christmas, there was the no more perfect time for soup.

Potato Ham Soup

Total Time: 45 mins

Makes: 8 servings

Ingredients:

-3 1/2 cups peeled and diced potatoes
-1/3 cup diced celery
-1/3 cup finely chopped onion
-3/4 diced cooked ham
-3 1/4 cups water
-2 tbsp chicken bouillon granules
-1/2 tsp salt, or to taste
- 1 tsp ground white or black pepper, or to taste
- 5 tbsp butter
-5 tbsp all-purpose flour
-2 cups milk

Directions:

Combine potatoes, celery, onion, ham and water in stockpot. Bring to boil then cook over med heat until potatoes are tender, about 10-15 minutes. Stir in chicken bouillon, salt and pepper.
In a separate saucepan, melt butter over medium-low heat. Whisk in flour with fork and cook, stirring constantly until thick, about 1 minute. Slowly stir in milk as not to allow lumps to form until all of the milk has been added. Continue stirring over medium-low heat until thick, 4 to 5 minutes.
Stir the milk mixture into the stockpot, and cook soup until heated through. Serve immediately.

Mama Heada Thoughts:

I wasn't sure how this was going to come to fruition but I needed to use the ham in the fridge, so I decided to try it out. And boy am I glad I did!! I didn't measure any of the veggie or ham since we like lots of goodies in our soup and it was delicious. M thinks it's a fantastic clam chowder base, so maybe one day we will test that out. In the meantime, we garnished it with green onions and cheddar cheese and served with leftover brown and serve rolls. 

And according to Allrecipes, the nutrition can be found here and isn't too bad!!

Can't argue with that!

The end - 1/26/2011

There is so much I want to say. I really have no idea where to start. 

First off, I just want to say Thank you. Thank you to everyone who has sent their positive thoughts, their prayers, their love in my family's time of need. Not only did we read it all to Poppy but it also kept reminding us just how loved he truly was. Thank you so much to all who sent cards, made and offered meals, who were just there. My mom keeps saying, "You always find out who your true friends are in times like these." And we truly have.

This post isn't so much reflective as others have been but more so documenting what is so fresh on my mind. 

After I posted the last post on January 25th, 2011, my mom texted me that I needed to pick up my brother ASAP and head to the hospital. We rushed over there to learn that we were losing our dear Poppy. He was laboring in breathing but saying that he wanted to fight. He wasn't going to give up. The pulmonary fibrosis wasn't going to get the best of him.

But in reality, it was getting the best of all of us.

I cried.

I had a million things I wanted to say.

"I love you."

"I'm so proud of you."

"You are my hero."

"I married M because he reminded me of YOU."

"Come visit us."

"You'll live on in all of us."

It was emotional.

He nodded and squeezed my hand.

He told me he loved me and that he was proud of me

And that we would be ok.

Not to worry.

And to take care of M and Miss B.

He was laboring and we were ushered out.
He needed to be put on morphine and to relax.

I couldn't stop crying.

Was that my goodbye?

What if something happened and he was all alone?

What were we going to do?

We stayed in the waiting room for another half hour or so

before I decided it was time to drop my brother off and get home and finish dinner for my family.

My mom and gramma would be with him.

No sooner did I walk through the garage door and sit down at the dinner table did my mom call.

"Heather, you need to decide if you are going to come back or not."

I didn't understand.

"Your Poppy is suffering. I think it's the end. You need to get here."

I didn't understand.

I had said my goodbyes

but still.

I had hope it wouldn't actually be goodbye.

We all rushed back to the hospital.

He had been put on a morphine drip to make him comfortable.

His lungs were so calcified and hardened that they were no longer functioning. Xrays showed that the hardening of the lungs was spreading like wildfire. And because the lungs were no longer functioning, his ventilator was on the highest setting, blowing SO much air into him, that it was beginning to blow him up like a balloon.

There was a possibility we could insert a chest tube into his lungs but because of his hardened lungs,

we would only be postponing the inevitable and causing him much more pain and suffering.

He was losing this battle. And he was losing it that night.
We had to decide if we were going to let him go or not.

We gathered around his bedside.

We begged the nurse to let Miss B come back and see him one last time.

And she did.

She saw him in the bed and said, "Poppy sick."

He asked us to turn the lights on.
She grabbed his hand.
And he looked at her and smiled.
She watched quietly as he waved and smiled at her.
She waved back.
It was one of the most heartbreaking things of the night.
This was their goodbye.

M said his goodbyes and afterward, my brother, my mom, my gramma, my uncle and myself gathered around his bedside and talked to him. I massaged his feet. My gramma held his hand. We took turns sharing stories, laughing and crying. I wiped his forehead with a cold cloth. I cuddled next to him and took deep breaths in of his smell. He always had a unique comforting smell.

How did it come to this?

He dosed in and out of consciousness. But one of the last times he was awake, he told us he would be ok. He gave my gramma, his wife of 49 years this April, his companion for 52 years, kisses and told her he loved her. And then he slipped into a deep, deep sleep.

The next couple hours, I wiped him with a wet, cold cloth as he sweated. My gramma climbed into his bed and rested her head in his lap. We all tried to find solace in the long, cold night.

And at about 1:45A, for whatever reason, I looked up at the monitor, to see his heartbeat drop from 120 to 54. "The monitor!" I gasped, as my mom said "It's time."
"We love you Poppy."
"Have a beautiful journey Dad."
"Thank you for everything."
"We are so proud of you"
"You are amazing"
"I miss you"
"I love you Terumi"
were some of the words shared and there,
we held my Poppy as he exited this life and went on to his next journey.

There are tons of ways to describe those last moments with Poppy.
But when it all comes down to it,  honestly, the way he passed was amazingly beautiful and I feel so honored to have been there in the last minutes of his life. Once we realized his heart was slowing, it quickly slowed and in less then two minutes, he was gone. His heart stopped beating because of all the pressure his lungs were putting on it.

I wanna say that the passing of life is like the movies. When you see the spirit lift out of the body and it lingers in the corner, watching those that are left behind, illuminated in pretty white lights. But it wasn't. But at the risk of sounding crazy, it felt just like it looks in the movies. Like his spirit lifted out and left his body as we held him. He still felt there.

We sat there in amazement as the monitors were all quiet. A nurse came in to unhook his ventilator. The doctor pronounced him dead as 1:50A. My gramma broke down at the loss of her husband. We talked to his lifeless body. We joined hands and my uncle lead a prayer.

It was incredibly hard to leave his body. Like this really meant goodbye. But we gathered together, said our goodbyes and reminded ourselves that this, was no longer our dear Poppy.

As my brother drove me home that night, I begged for a sign that he was ok. Anything.
But everything felt so empty.
I cried. And when I got home, just sat with M and monotonously recapped the night.
I was drained.
My poppy had passed away.

This past week has been insanity as we all grieve and find our bearings, all while planning a funeral.

Sometimes life really throws you a fast one.

I spent last week, angry and accusingly saying that 2011 was supposed to be this amazing year and now all this. But there's some peace in knowing that my Poppy is no longer suffering and instead on a different beautiful journey watching over us.

Sometimes that's all you can say.