One Month

Today is exactly one month.

31 days.

Thirty one days.

Where has the time gone?

My mom wrote this incredible blog that sums up how all of us are feeling. And it's so true. Everything is slowing down and slowly we are realizing that what we thought was a nightmare, is truly reality.

It's hard.

Poppy would take 3-5 week trips every couple months to Hawaii

And though those trips slowed in the last year of his life,

it's the norm for him to be gone.

We are used to that.

With frequent phone calls here and there.

But he was never gone this long.

And for the first few weeks, we'd pull up to his house and B would yell out,

"Poppy and Gammy and Mimi and BB hoooowse!"

And now, she only screams

"Gammy, Mimi and BB hooooowse!"

And that makes me sad.

And everytime we sit at the table,

I wait for him to come out

the way he would before. 

Greeting us

Wanting to feed B goodies.

Telling us we should get going soon.

I just miss him.

I told M one night

that it's sad.

Life goes on.

He died.

And it doesn't stop.

People continue on.

Dramas continue.

People forget.

And I'm not ready to do that.

I am not ready.

I selfishly want him here.

With us.

I just want to hear his voice.

Hear his voice one more time.

I just want to give him a hug.

Touch his skin.

I can still remember the way he smelled

and the way his skin felt.

I just want him here.

M keeps telling me this normal.

That when he lost his cousin in Iraq

this is how he felt for months.

That it's normal

to get so incredibly pissed off when people say

"He's in a better place"

or to cry when wondering

"What if?"

or to hopefully await the return

that isn't ever going to come.

It's normal. 

But nothing about this feels normal.

So we continue on.

Push forward.

Love forever.

Miss constantly.

And rely on each other for hope,

support,

and love.