remembering

So...I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow.

It sounds beautiful

and relaxing

and like a wonderful summer vacation.

And I'm sure it will be.

But it's also a trip to remember my Poppy

and to celebrate his life

and mourn his death.

and heal as a family.

And while I'm excited

I'm also so ridden with sadness it's unreal.

I can't imagine what it will be like

cruising around my old home

where the two of us would run around town together

I lived in Honolulu for 6 years.

The month I moved out there

my grandparents bought a condo 

and my Poppy, enjoying retirement,

flew out every almost monthly to make sure I was ok

and to just enjoy life.

We'd take trips to Costco and stock up on groceries.

He'd take me out to nice dinner buffets. 

Especially the ones that had crab legs because that was my favorite.

When I didn't have a car, he'd be my chauffeur.

And later, he bought me my first 100%-all-mine-1989 Toyota Corolla.

I loved that car.

He planned his trips around oil changes and took care of it for me.

I'd go over to his condo and cook him dinner and vice versa.

We were buddies.

We were always buddies.

I miss him.

So much 

it's unreal.

And I even though I know this trip will be amazing.

I also know it's going to be gut-wrenching and heartbreaking for me at the same time.

And even harder...

The time I am in Honolulu, M won't even be with us.

He flies in later in the week to meet us in Maui.

I need this though.

I need to continue to heal.

And remember him in beautiful ways and memories.

I need to remember he's still here with us.

And looking over us smiling.

I need to just remember.