I know loss

Every year, October 9-15th mark Baby Loss Awareness Week, ending with International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day on Oct 15th. It's supposed to provide an opportunity for individuals, parents and families around the world to come together and remember the lives and deaths of all babies, no matter their gestation, length of life or how they passed away. 

I've gone back and forth for months on whether I was going to write about this. It's very personal, still fresh on my mind and is just sad. But when I put this blog together earlier this year, I struggled with what I wanted this blog to be able. I wanted it to be about me, and my journey as a mother, wife and most importantly, a woman. And this is part of it. So, this is our story.

It started during M's trip to Spain. I began cramping and spotting sporadically. It was an odd turn of events but besides being a minor inconvinience, it was nothing that alarmed me; I had a 18 month old I needed to care for in light of my husband's trip. So I carried on. Life carried on. M came home and everything was back to normal.

The day he arrived home and the following Monday, I spotted even more. How could this be? Was this a regular period? What was going on? I laid in bed contemplating what was going on with my body. I had been having immense hot flashes for the past week or two. Extremely fatigued. Lots of cramping. My breasts were feeling full and slightly aching, despite not breastfeeding for months. And I was irregularly cramping.

Something wasn't right. The last time I felt like this, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with Little Miss B. I was pregnant...with Little Miss B. Holy crap. I quickly counted the days since my last cycle. 6.5 weeks. Exactly the time we found about Little Miss B and started cramping and spotting with her. Exactly. To the Day.

I looked at M in disbelief. Could I be pregnant? I could barely get the word out of my mouth. I couldn't be. It just didn't seem real. We weren't trying. Infact, depending on the day, I wasn't even sure if I wanted more kids. Little Miss B was always enough for me. We were wide eyed, discussing my symptoms and what could be going on. We decided to wait and see. And we fell asleep.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up late. My body was sluggish and I was cramping. Definitely cramping. I got out of bed and watched in disbelief as blood gushed down my leg. It didn't stop. It wouldn't stop. Dark, bright red blood.

At this point, I didn't know what to think. I didn't even know if I was pregnant. It had been 6+ wks since my last period. Some people would later ask why I didn't call the Dr right away. But I didn't. I waited. I didn't believe or want to know if I was pregnant. I just wanted it to go away. I didn't know of any risks that my body could be facing and I wanted to believe it was just a period. 

I bled and cramped the entire day. Gushing dark red blood. I came to dread going to the bathroom. Or even standing up. I didn't want to know. It was just a period.

Then that afternoon, as I was talking to my husband, I had a letdown. A huge, letdown. How could this be? I wasn't breastfeeding anymore and it'd been months since my last letdown. It was an odd feeling and I knew, there was something going on. 

I rested and the next morning I woke up. Blood. Less. But still blood. The worst was seeming to pass. Thank God. I looked in the mirror. I was pale white. I had no energy. This was getting the best of me. I wasn't me. This wasn't normal I finally conceded. I got in touch with an RN in the family. She asked me my symptoms and told me it was time to call the doctor. It sounded like I had lost a lot of blood, could possibly be hemorrhaging and it was time to make sure I was ok. I dreaded making the call.

The OB/Gyn got me in later that afternoon.  The bleeding had started to subside. The dr assured me the bleeding was at it's end. He had no answers. Later that evening/early the next morning, about 3.5 days after it started, my bleeding finally ended.

He prescribed some tests and an ultrasound. I wouldn't get into have those for a couple days. I would go in and they would find nothing. Nothing. Nothing was there. My labs were back to normal. And my ultrasound offered nothing. There was nothing.

I would go back into my OB-Gyn feeling defeated. He assured me I wasn't. It's odd that this would be a period, he said. It's not consistent with your body and it just doesn't make sense. I can't say for sure but my best guess is this: You had implantation and your body, just didn't agree. My best medical guess is that you were pregnant. And you're not anymore.

It's hard to swallow news of something you lost that you didn't even know you had. And even worse, wanted. Up to this point, I wasn't even sure if I wanted any more kids. It just didn't make sense to me. It still doesn't. And add in the fact that there were never any "positive" pregnancy tests, how was I to ever know for sure? I wouldn't. I would never know for sure.

Some people may question whether I really was pregnant or not. Sometimes I do too. And that's ok. I can respect that question because sometimes people need cold hard facts and I don't have those. And some may diminish and cut down my feelings and what I went through. And that's ok too. I can respect that. Afterall my doctor's answer was only, at best, a "medical guess."

But I know the feeling of loss and the news that isn't such great news. And it took something as drastic as this, to prove to me that one day, I want to have another baby. I want to go through pregnancy again. I want to experience all the little glories of mommyhood and the year of firsts again. I want to experience all these things, that I didn't think I wanted to experience again.

I know loss. I look at friends that are pregnant. And I feel that ache. I look at friends and wonder if I would be showing that much. Would I be feeling the rolls and tumbles? Would it be a boy or would it be the 2nd little girl that I want?

Loss is a funny thing. And everyone sure does deal differently. But each day continues. The world doesn't stop. It keeps going. And that's all I can do. Keep going.

I know loss.

Photo courtesy of babyblakely.blogspot.com