"Never say never. Sometimes Mr. Right Now becomes Mr. Forever."
I read this quote the other day and my thoughts were drawn back to the beginning days of M and I, a little over three years ago. When it was just him and I and the beginning of our love. We worked together which for me, at that time in my life, was a big No-No. I had been in a prior relationship with someone I worked with and it had turned into all sorts of horribles and wrongs. Not only was the ex completely insecure and controlling, but he emanated that and brought out the worst in me while isolating me from work, friends, family and ultimately life. Funny how some the bad relationships do that to you. I remember feeling crippled but addicted. It was hard to break that cycle of no good. But M was there, a friend who had been there for most of the relationship. Without me saying anything, he saw firsthand the insecurity and controlling nature of my ex and he saw that who that person made me, was NOT me. We would talk and he would ask me those questions that you avoid asking yourself when you know something is not right in a relationship and I remember always leaving those conversations thinking, "What the fuck am I doing? Why am I wasting my life on this pathetic low life?" I was 23. This man was clearly NOT the man I was going to marry nor did I want to spend my life with him. He brought nothing to the table and I was miserable. It was all wrong and I didn't need it. So finally after too many months of dating and then another long string of months being dragged on by him, I was done. And ready to focus on me. And ONLY me. No men and no dating. Just me. For at least a year, as one of my very great friends Amber and I would pledge after every breakup. I was going to work, pay off the debt that the ex had convinced me to accrue because he "needed to pay this off and would pay me back," move back home to California and focus on ME. No more men. For at least a year.
Only things didn't work out that way.
While I was wrestling with the end of my relationship, M was beginning his life as a newly single bachelor as well. After a slew of short, meaningless relationships he was ready to be done and focus on himself. He acquired a swim business, focused on work and realized that he had to focus on himself before he could focus on anyone else. Our paths were parallel and getting ready to intersect. And even though we both secretly hoped they would, we really had no idea that they actually would.
So a few months later on the night we consider our infamous first date, I remember sitting at the bar at the local Dave & Buster's chatting with M about life, when out of the blue, he asked me about my ex. What was the story with him? Were we still together or trying to work things out? Or had I finally reached the end of my rope and cut ties? I remember explaining that I still talked to him but I was fed up. This man boy wasn't the person I had initially thought he was when we started dating and after a year and a half of empty talk and pursue-less dreams, I was done. I needed to focus on me. I remember M nodding in agreement and I can only imagine the thoughts that were running through his head as he realized that even though we were on our own paths of independency, this was his chance, his opportunity.
It was with that conversation and the rest of the night that I could no longer deny that M and I were greatly attracted to one another. There was a raw mental/sexual/emotional/spiritual connection that was undeniable between us. We were fed off each other and understood each other without much need for words. I remember spending one night from dusk until dawn talking about everything in our lives. Our past, our future, our present. Our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our insecurities. Everything. And I remember thinking, "My God, this man has an amazingly beautiful soul. He just doesn't realize it."
So we began our passionate love affair. We spent every moment possible together, wrapped up in our own intense world. How could this be? We were intently independent. He was running his own business and focused on his career. And I was going to move back to California, I just needed to figure out the logistics of getting back there. How were we intertwining so quickly? And even worse, we worked together? How was this going to look when people found out? I supervised a building, I was a manager for goodness sake! This would look horrible should anyone find out or worse, if this ended badly. Because let's face it, M and I didn't have the best relationship track record. But I couldn't pull away. I was in way over my head.
So I realized we had to keep it a secret. No one could know about us. The implications would be too large and I couldn't risk losing my reputation at this point (though later it would crash and burn). And we could not talk about the future. M didn't hold long term relationships and I didn't want my days with him to be numbered. We were just beginning and I didn't want to think of an ending, especially with so much on the line. Plus, I kept telling myself, I was going to move. Any day. So anytime talk would turn anywhere remotely serious about our relationship, I would adamantly throw myself into M's arms and declare "Let's just take this one day at a time. There's no need to talk about the future." Ok, I admit it may not have happened so melodramatically but I did begin saying almost every hour, "Let's just enjoy ourselves and be in the moment. One day at a time." And so our mantra became that. He was my Mr. Right Now and I couldn't focus on anything past that.
And so we continued in that fashion. We fell in love after that but made sure to keep telling each other to not focus on the future. What was the point? We were in love and why ruin it with talk that may or may not come true down the line. I put my move back to California on hold indefinitely and helped M focus on his business and work. Our relationship worked because we trusted each other and we were in the moment. No rushing. No promises. No false hopes. We just enjoyed each other's company and continued to helplessly fall.
Until the night in July when we laid there in his bed. Nose to nose, soaking in each other's scent before drifting off to the land of dreams. And in that moment when you are just starting to drift into the land of dreams, M whispered, "Will you?" And even though I knew exactly what he was asking he wasn't going to get off that easy as I innocently asked, "Huh? Will I what?" And I watched as he fidgeted and worked up the courage to ask me to marry him and be his wife.
And in that moment, and maybe even sooner, my sweet Mr. Right Now became my Mr. Forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment