Marriage

A couple mornings ago I read this article on People.com (Yes I am a celebrity junkie, don't judge) about Valerie Bertinelli, her fiance and their wedding planning. She talks about how their life experiences are going to help shape and define their marriage and that since they've both had the good wedding previously, they're ready now to focus on the good marriage.

Now I've been to a number of beautiful weddings. Each wedding has it's own personal touches and lots of beautiful things incorporated and it's a great occasion. Weddings are fine and dandy. But I have to admit, I couldn't agree more with what Valerie Bertinelli has to say. It feels like in this day and age, people get so caught up in creating a fairytale wedding that they seem to forget that the meaning of a wedding is the union of two people, embarking on a lifetime journey together, not on the grandeurs of a wedding. Does it matter that you spent over $2K on a dress? Does it matter what your menu is and how your cake tastes? Will you really remember the minute details of the day or does it all fade away and become memories like other days of the year?

After M and I got engaged, we struggled with envisioning what our wedding was going to be and how we were going to afford that. I wasn't overly excited about planning a wedding. It was just going to be one day. I was more excited about the initial engagement and then the marriage M and I were about to embark on and the journey I was going to take as his wife and eventually the mother of his children. I was excited to have a partner, someone I was going to enjoy every day of my life with. The actual planning of a wedding seemed overwhelming and insignificant to the union and journey that we were planning on embarking on together.

So when I finally decided it was time to find my inner bride gene, I had to dig deep and found myself quite laidback and down to the earth about the whole thing. It all just didn't seem that important to me. It was one day of our entire lives together and I couldn't fathom spending enormous amounts of money on one day. Was it an important day? Of course. But was it worth spending $20+K on the day? No. We wanted to save the money and plan to buy a house. We wanted to have a nest egg incase something happened down the road. We wanted to prepare to have kids. We didn't want to get ourselves into debt over one day and we just didn't see the point in all that hoopla. We were focused on each other and what we were creating by the union of our marriage.

So when it came down to details, everyone had their own opinion and it got hard. We were the first children in both sides of our families to get married. How were we supposed to please everyone when 1) we didn't find the need to spend all this money and 2) it wasn't all that important for us to have a huge shindig. So we wrestled back and forth with dates and numbers and lists and everything in between. It was a headache and no one was listening to what WE thought was important. They were just always quick to judge us, our decisions and the fact that they thought we were rushing into marriage too quickly.

So after six months of trying to figure out plans (we couldn't even compromise on a date, much less a location) we just couldn't decide on anything. We went back and forth and finally one night, while we sat poolside and M coached his swim team we decided to elope and have a wedding later on to celebrate. It was a breath of fresh air and a relief for us but it brought out a lot of emotions and anger within our families and we dealed with a big backlash. But how were we going to please everyone? M's mom wanted his whole extended family there while my immediate family couldn't even fly in to be there. People threw rumors at us and accused us of being pregnant and saying that we were trying to purposely hurt people. Close friends and family couldn't be there while others could, leaving a lot of rifts. Family members tried to pay us money to not marry and wait a little longer. Lots of accusations arose and no one could see the bigger picture of why we were doing this. It was because it didn't matter what the date was. It didn't matter what we looked like or ate. All that matter was that we were getting married and committing our lives to each other.

But the hurtful words and accusations continued and pulled M and I in separate directions. He felt the heat from his family and I felt guilty about mine. I remember the week before the wedding, it was Thanksgiving and I broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. We sat in a back room at his grandma's house and argued. M's mom felt like we were punishing her because my family couldn't be there and why should she miss out because they chose not to be there? My mom was torn because my dad couldn't get off work and why should she be allowed to go and not him. My grandma was in town and she was thinking she would invite some family members since they were in town. Our elopement was becoming a mess. I broke down in tears and remember telling M, "Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't be getting married" as he looked at me in bewilderment. I felt pulled in so many different directions and I knew there was no way to please everyone. M looked at me, a look of shock, sadness and anger. "What are we going to do then?" he asked as I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders, tears streaming down my cheeks. He sighed. I cried some more. We were arguing over something we were supposed to have complete control over yet somehow everyone else had taken over.

M sat next to me on the bed and wiped away my tears. He reminded me that he loved me and what we were dealing with was something we were trying to avoid by eloping. "Are you sure you even want to elope anymore?" we asked each other and the answer was always the same. It didn't matter. We just wanted to be married. Husband and wife.

So we made the plans. People cried. Hurtful words and accusations were still said to and about us. But one thing remained the same, we loved each other and we wanted to love each other for every day for the rest of our lives. We hired a judge and a photographer. Asked a couple of our close friends to be there and it was all planned.

And so on November 28, 2007, we woke up to the craziest thunder, lightning and flash floods we had ever witnessed. I got dressed in a simple white dress and M in a white shirt and black pants and we drove to a beautiful Kaneohe beach where we found the beach deserted because of the thunderstorms. And there we were. Barefoot, toes in the sand, waves crashing behind us, and joined together before God as husband and wife. We both got teary eyed. We both couldn't stop smiling. We both were ecstatic. And after a round of photos, we piled into our cars and went to a local RoundTable Pizza for pizza and beer before M and I escaped to the Royal Hawaiian on Waikiki beach for a mini honeymoon. It was perfect. Honestly perfect.

Six months later we put together a bigger wedding celebration, mainly to appease our families but didn't have to worry about hoopla of an actual wedding. People complained. People said it was boring. People didn't think it was as sincere or special as it would have been if it had been our actual wedding day. But we didn't care. We were already newlyweds.

Life goes so fast and relationships change constantly. People get caught up in looks and money. We chose to focus on ourselves and our relationship and dedicate ourselves to one another. Our marriage isn't always roses but 99% of the time, it's perfect. We compliment each other and where one of us falters, the other picks up the slack. We have adjusted and know each other inside and out. We laugh every day, at each other and ourselves and every once in awhile we fight. But we always remember what we went through and the vow we took and it's insignificant where and how that took place. All that matters is us.